Confusion. I guess, I am finding myself in one of those moments where I am trying to figure out where the perfection became blindingly difficult to swallow.
Where do you look for piece of mind when that one stability in your life, throws you for a loop. In my case, my prince charmings inability to let the past, be in the past. The problem? Well, for a girl of insecurities, its difficult when the past is a collection of pretty girls tied to sexual experiences and precious moments. Every man has those exes in his life but when they begin to surface like navigational booeys to the path of a present girlfriends confidence and security, it becomes... well, simply suffocating.
An ocean of thoughts of your boyfriend and all his exes will do that to you...
So I ask myself... Why them? Why not me?
Is it because I am not good enough to drown them out? Does he still love them? What is it?
Saddly enough, these thoughts spend more time in my head than what I look like, have I eaten or should I sleep right now... That blinding light of all those dead end relationships is blinding me ever brighter and ever more damaging to my alreeady tired retinas.
*sigh* Relief? Not quite... The inability to even communicate this issue with my man is even more self inflicting that the images of him getting his clothes torn off by women, I know, could never really make him as happy or love him the way I do. Alas, I know he loves me. I in fact have no doubt, which is the only life preserver for this relationship. That and the simple fact that I have never really known the happiness he has brought to my life. If so then, why all of this?
I suppose all I really need is closure from his past... or maybe I need him to seek closure... I guess and I really know for sure, is that I secretly wish to be the one, the only one, he sees when he closes his eyes...
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