As of now? We my imaginary, binary coded friends of the world wide web, are sitting at 27 hours ans 34 mins before take off to the beautiful sandy beaches of Punta Cana. That bitch! Right? Well upon pondering mynext adventure into the great blue seas and sandy beaches... I think of my trip this time last year, in Jamaica. How beautiful the sun was, the fresh air, imported palm trees and sandy margaritas... Breathtaking. I now, however wait in fancy excitement to capture the beauty of it, through new eyes.
I guess it's simply marveling to me, the realization of how different you see things when you just let yourself be invaded by love, goodwill and hapiness. That sunlight sand now becomes a playground of tinyparticles of glass playing amd tinkering with the rays of sun pearing through that formally-known-as dark cloud that is now a distant fluff ornate with that ever so soughtafter silver lining. Things are just more... Poetic, when you're in love.
As far as the career decisions go, the fear of becoming a nurse is quickly subsidding due to blinding support that was not always present. Not only that, but this new found self confidence thing is worth giving a shot, I mean, I hear it has a good succss rate so far. Who knew? A little bit of attitude and beliving I Yourself could actuallly get you somewhere. I shudder to think what the wod will come up with next!!!
Ha!
It also helps having that other half contemplating being your study buddy! Confused? Well focus! No but in all happy twists of fate, there's a lucky person holding on with both hands (and a shiny new stestoscope) to the idea that the l e of their life jusy might decide to go through the process with you. Him and I? Students again... Study buddies... Lovers.... Nurses. Sounds just as poetic to me! The anticipation of him deciding finaly is getting the best of me! *fingers crossed*
as for the rest! We will see where my adventures have taken me I'm 9 days. Adieu world... I will write again soon
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Broken Technology But Happy Heart..
Computer with a busted screen and shorted fans makes for a very difficult blogging experience, but with iPhone in hand and a very frustrating typing system, I'm back and spitting my feelings and experiences out into the dark abyss of technological space. Is anyone really reading this? Either way, this blog is a collection of the little shards of my life that chipped off and transformed into words so someone out there can share with me simple joy and value in finding the brighter side life and embracing it with open arms.
I've spent the last two nights straining to stay awake through 3+ hour phone calls that peeked into the wee hours of the morning due to my loves inability to remember a three hour time difference across the country. However late, I wouldn't trade a moment of them for anything. There is something about those calls that makes me remember how lucky I am to have the things I do in my life, especially the people I love. Family, friends, and that one man in my life who has taken the sweetest habit in spilling out his heart to me, letting me know how much he loves me. while I don't thing I am one of those women in dire need of constant reminders and declarations of affection, There's something enchanting about those precious little exchanges of profound affection, desire and love that makes the edges of the earth shimmer.
Flipping through photographs I realise the variations in my smiles. As mundane as it may seem to most, to me, it seems to be the milestone, the turning point in my life where I stopped faking smiles and actually couldn't stop smiling genuinely. Love, anf I mean true, effortless, unconditional love... Has a way of turning even though black and white photos in to the most colourful of memories... <3
I've spent the last two nights straining to stay awake through 3+ hour phone calls that peeked into the wee hours of the morning due to my loves inability to remember a three hour time difference across the country. However late, I wouldn't trade a moment of them for anything. There is something about those calls that makes me remember how lucky I am to have the things I do in my life, especially the people I love. Family, friends, and that one man in my life who has taken the sweetest habit in spilling out his heart to me, letting me know how much he loves me. while I don't thing I am one of those women in dire need of constant reminders and declarations of affection, There's something enchanting about those precious little exchanges of profound affection, desire and love that makes the edges of the earth shimmer.
Flipping through photographs I realise the variations in my smiles. As mundane as it may seem to most, to me, it seems to be the milestone, the turning point in my life where I stopped faking smiles and actually couldn't stop smiling genuinely. Love, anf I mean true, effortless, unconditional love... Has a way of turning even though black and white photos in to the most colourful of memories... <3
Monday, February 8, 2010
Midnight Reminders...
I suppose we all have those moments of uncertanty and doubt. In a way, where would we be without them? The fect that it bothered me so much reminds me that there is some profound set of emotions invested. It's as refreshing as a summer breeze to feel the cool air of love kissing your cheeks.
As for domestic affairs, the contemplation of a new career is at once exciting and terrifyingly paralyzing. The paths before my feet seem to be getting progressively longer and inevitably more complexe.
The realisation that I am approaching that point in my life where I need to consider where I want to be in 5 years. Stability, family, career... the overprocessing of thoughts makes the decision process ultimately more frustrating. Questioning it all as a whole... Would I be a good nurse? Would I be a good mother? Would I be a good wife?... Young minds are driven to mature contemplations and revelations.
In the end, I suppose, it is best to have faith in ones own capabilities and go forth believing and trusting that it will all work out. Suddenly, the world doesnt seem such a scary place. Especially when your phone rings in the wee hours of the morning with simple msgs reminding you that across the country, someone loves you, is thinking of you, and is really only as far away, as the distance we put between us in our relationship. Adieu cold mistrusted doubt and insecurity. I embark my next journeys with the companionship of uncertainty paired open minded blinding faith that the world has something amazing waiting for me...
As for domestic affairs, the contemplation of a new career is at once exciting and terrifyingly paralyzing. The paths before my feet seem to be getting progressively longer and inevitably more complexe.
The realisation that I am approaching that point in my life where I need to consider where I want to be in 5 years. Stability, family, career... the overprocessing of thoughts makes the decision process ultimately more frustrating. Questioning it all as a whole... Would I be a good nurse? Would I be a good mother? Would I be a good wife?... Young minds are driven to mature contemplations and revelations.
In the end, I suppose, it is best to have faith in ones own capabilities and go forth believing and trusting that it will all work out. Suddenly, the world doesnt seem such a scary place. Especially when your phone rings in the wee hours of the morning with simple msgs reminding you that across the country, someone loves you, is thinking of you, and is really only as far away, as the distance we put between us in our relationship. Adieu cold mistrusted doubt and insecurity. I embark my next journeys with the companionship of uncertainty paired open minded blinding faith that the world has something amazing waiting for me...
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Just... A Little Message...
Miles and miles apart. Maybe there lies some of my insecurities. From spending almost every waking moment together, to a total cut off for a month. Him? Olympics... Working and being caught up in the beauty, the magic and enchanting patriotic hymns and events... Me? Business and usual. Surrounded by his friends rushing to put my mind at ease. They know, as I do... that he loves me.
The mind of a bipolar and former self-loather can still, however, be cruel.
But its in the moment I saw my inbox flag with a email msg that had for a subject line: "<3" ... that I realised the big things... didnt matter as much, as the multitude of little things that make ones heart flutter.
Its reading a line as simple as, I tried to sleep but couldnt stop thinking of you, and so emailed you... that reminds someone that despite all the larger dramas... the simple underlying silver linings can account for much more worth than the heavy mass of overanalyzing uncertainty.
Sitting here, reading those words over and over clutching a stuffed toy he adorably smothered in cologn so my bed wouldnt feel so empty while he was away, reminds me how profound the joys of those little precious moments are, and how isignificant those of his past are. I guess it takes a little courage to realise that even though he repeatedly refers to his past loves, he isnt with them. He is with me. And the creation of our own precious moments is worth more attention, than dwelling on those, that met their end.
Confessions of an over-analytical-insecure-but-madly-in-love-apparently-a-wreck-but-working-on-it-hopeless-romantic: "I love the boy, and fuck me running if some phantom love from the past is going to rain on my parade!"
The mind of a bipolar and former self-loather can still, however, be cruel.
But its in the moment I saw my inbox flag with a email msg that had for a subject line: "<3" ... that I realised the big things... didnt matter as much, as the multitude of little things that make ones heart flutter.
Its reading a line as simple as, I tried to sleep but couldnt stop thinking of you, and so emailed you... that reminds someone that despite all the larger dramas... the simple underlying silver linings can account for much more worth than the heavy mass of overanalyzing uncertainty.
Sitting here, reading those words over and over clutching a stuffed toy he adorably smothered in cologn so my bed wouldnt feel so empty while he was away, reminds me how profound the joys of those little precious moments are, and how isignificant those of his past are. I guess it takes a little courage to realise that even though he repeatedly refers to his past loves, he isnt with them. He is with me. And the creation of our own precious moments is worth more attention, than dwelling on those, that met their end.
Confessions of an over-analytical-insecure-but-madly-in-love-apparently-a-wreck-but-working-on-it-hopeless-romantic: "I love the boy, and fuck me running if some phantom love from the past is going to rain on my parade!"
When Everything Becomes That Much More Complicated
Confusion. I guess, I am finding myself in one of those moments where I am trying to figure out where the perfection became blindingly difficult to swallow.
Where do you look for piece of mind when that one stability in your life, throws you for a loop. In my case, my prince charmings inability to let the past, be in the past. The problem? Well, for a girl of insecurities, its difficult when the past is a collection of pretty girls tied to sexual experiences and precious moments. Every man has those exes in his life but when they begin to surface like navigational booeys to the path of a present girlfriends confidence and security, it becomes... well, simply suffocating.
An ocean of thoughts of your boyfriend and all his exes will do that to you...
So I ask myself... Why them? Why not me?
Is it because I am not good enough to drown them out? Does he still love them? What is it?
Saddly enough, these thoughts spend more time in my head than what I look like, have I eaten or should I sleep right now... That blinding light of all those dead end relationships is blinding me ever brighter and ever more damaging to my alreeady tired retinas.
*sigh* Relief? Not quite... The inability to even communicate this issue with my man is even more self inflicting that the images of him getting his clothes torn off by women, I know, could never really make him as happy or love him the way I do. Alas, I know he loves me. I in fact have no doubt, which is the only life preserver for this relationship. That and the simple fact that I have never really known the happiness he has brought to my life. If so then, why all of this?
I suppose all I really need is closure from his past... or maybe I need him to seek closure... I guess and I really know for sure, is that I secretly wish to be the one, the only one, he sees when he closes his eyes...
Where do you look for piece of mind when that one stability in your life, throws you for a loop. In my case, my prince charmings inability to let the past, be in the past. The problem? Well, for a girl of insecurities, its difficult when the past is a collection of pretty girls tied to sexual experiences and precious moments. Every man has those exes in his life but when they begin to surface like navigational booeys to the path of a present girlfriends confidence and security, it becomes... well, simply suffocating.
An ocean of thoughts of your boyfriend and all his exes will do that to you...
So I ask myself... Why them? Why not me?
Is it because I am not good enough to drown them out? Does he still love them? What is it?
Saddly enough, these thoughts spend more time in my head than what I look like, have I eaten or should I sleep right now... That blinding light of all those dead end relationships is blinding me ever brighter and ever more damaging to my alreeady tired retinas.
*sigh* Relief? Not quite... The inability to even communicate this issue with my man is even more self inflicting that the images of him getting his clothes torn off by women, I know, could never really make him as happy or love him the way I do. Alas, I know he loves me. I in fact have no doubt, which is the only life preserver for this relationship. That and the simple fact that I have never really known the happiness he has brought to my life. If so then, why all of this?
I suppose all I really need is closure from his past... or maybe I need him to seek closure... I guess and I really know for sure, is that I secretly wish to be the one, the only one, he sees when he closes his eyes...
To Start Things Off...
It seems like we all have those defining moments in our lives where we stop and realise that everything is changing. A certain event, that makes us question our careers options, or a sunrise that hits the world in such a way, it unmasks all the worlds secret beauties, so on... so forth...
At one point or another, we all begin to question ourselves. Am I good enough? Strong enough? Beautiful enough? Interesting enough?... Repetitive enough? Ya... I thought so too. I found myself in this repetitive tidal wave of second guessing, doubt and self destruction. On the surface, strong, independent, down to earth and directed. But at the core? an absolute wreck or insecurities, doubt and self loathing. I fell into this ridiculous spasm of tearing myself apart and focusing on trying to make sure no one around me, was as miserable as I was. While the intent seems noble, the selfish reasons behind it were trying to mask my own unhappiness by giving myself some form of purpose.
Turns out, I forgot about myself along the way. Doing so, I juggled dead end relationships and substance abuse. It took years too long to realise that I deserved better.
Sometimes, it takes that special someone to make you gain a new perspective on life, and reconsider your own views towards your self worth. In my case, it was a young man who for the first time, made my heart stop on a dime, and made the world seem... just a little bit brighter. I guess all it takes sometimes... to get your life together, or even want to or care, is someone who cares about you and loves you for the beautiful disaster you are. Sometimes... that's enough. and sometimes... it's everything...
At one point or another, we all begin to question ourselves. Am I good enough? Strong enough? Beautiful enough? Interesting enough?... Repetitive enough? Ya... I thought so too. I found myself in this repetitive tidal wave of second guessing, doubt and self destruction. On the surface, strong, independent, down to earth and directed. But at the core? an absolute wreck or insecurities, doubt and self loathing. I fell into this ridiculous spasm of tearing myself apart and focusing on trying to make sure no one around me, was as miserable as I was. While the intent seems noble, the selfish reasons behind it were trying to mask my own unhappiness by giving myself some form of purpose.
Turns out, I forgot about myself along the way. Doing so, I juggled dead end relationships and substance abuse. It took years too long to realise that I deserved better.
Sometimes, it takes that special someone to make you gain a new perspective on life, and reconsider your own views towards your self worth. In my case, it was a young man who for the first time, made my heart stop on a dime, and made the world seem... just a little bit brighter. I guess all it takes sometimes... to get your life together, or even want to or care, is someone who cares about you and loves you for the beautiful disaster you are. Sometimes... that's enough. and sometimes... it's everything...
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